Now what?

I called Lori today to tell her I was interested in watching the boys, but she never called back. I'm beginning to think her question was more rhetorical and that maybe when she got home and thought about it, she decided I was crazy. For now, I'm writing it off as a possibility. I sure got excited about it for that short amount of time. I thought it was an answer to prayer. Now, I feel like I'm back to square one.

An answer?

Could it be that the thing that has been bothering me all week...keeping me in tears every day....keeping me up at night...could be solved?? My client tonight asked me if I would want to watch her and her friends little boys for $1200 a month. I thought she was kidding at first, but she wasn't. The more I thought about it, the more I realized this could be just the thing I've been praying for. This would be what we need to pay for the boys schooling this year. This could get us out of debt earlier than planned. And most of all....would we finally be able to seriously consider adopting? I can't even imagine, and I won't get excited about that yet. Too much to come first before even thinking about it.
Would it be crazy around here? Yep. Would I wish some days that they weren't coming? Yep. But at the end of it, would I regret doing it? Nope! No way. Now that I'm thinking seriously that I'd like to do it, I'm afraid to think about it too much cuz what if they change their mind. Or what if her friend doesnt' want to. I'm trying not to get my hopes up about the possibilities here, but dang....this could be really good! Lord, just guide this through to completion if it's what I'm supposed to be doing. If it is, Lord, thank you for bringing it to me. I will call Lori tomorrow and let her know.

Today, I got an email from Rachael that she lost her baby. I'm so sad for her. I know she was hopeful for this little one. I think I'll ask the other mom's group girls to go in on some flowers for her.

Lighthearted moment of the day.....When Tony came downstairs from bed tonight to say he was thirsty, I noticed he didn't have his pj bottoms on. I told him to put them on cuz he'd get cold. When I went to tuck him in after he'd fallen asleep, on his legs was his pillow case that he'd taken off his pillow and crawled his legs into instead. Okay....guess that works. LOL

DONE!

It's been a few days since the wedding and I'm really just recovering. I know, I know..that sounds dramatic, but honestly, it was quite the couple days! Thur. night I thawed out the cakes, got them filled and tiered then rewrapped. Friday morning, I started right after the boys got on the bus. I decorated the cakes from about 8am to 2pm. Lindsey's dad came and helped me bring them to the hall where I put them in the cooler until after the rehearsal dinner. That night I was able to set it up and just do everything but the flowers, which I quick did the next day.
We stayed over at the hotel on friday night and I got up to do hair at 7am. I did Lindsey and her 6 bridesmaids before 11am...just in time to get back to the room and get the boys ready and myself so that we could check out and get to the church. Turns out the photographer was 30 min late so I raced for nothing, but oh well....it all worked out. I'm kinda racing through this description too, but it was such a long 2 days, that any more details would take up too much time.
I really enjoyed the reception...we get so many compliments on the boys and the comments I got about the cake and hair were endless. It was pretty fun actually. The cake was soooo good, tons of ppl told me how good it tasted. The girls hair all was great too, I was really proud of that. It was a good night and it was so good to see Pat so happy. They make a great couple and I'm really happy for both of them.
I was thankful that there wasn't a gift opening on Sunday morning. We all slept til 10:30-11am. By 11:30 I told Jay I felt sick, I was soooo tired! I went up to bed and slept until 4pm!!! Would you believe I still went to bed by 11:30pm. I really needed that.
Fast forward to today. I had the mom's time girls here this morning and then at work tonight it was the first time I've washed my hair or put on makeup for days. LOL
I'm really mad at Jay right now, but I don't even want to get into that tonight. Maybe tomorrow. For now, I'm getting tired and should head to bed.

Was there a lighthearted moment today??? Well, it was sort of funny when Jeanne reminded me of the time I got to work and had realized that in my haste to get to work, I'd come in Jason's slippers. HAHA!! Okay, that made me laugh. I'd forgotten about that. Shoot, they're lucky I'm dressed half the time. :)

T minus 2 days....

Cindy just called and told me that she ordered something to help Trae at night. She saw it on the Today Show this week. It's a bear and a story book and a scent. You read the book about a boy who sees scary things at night and the scent is there to relax and calm. It sounds really nice and it was so thoughtful of her. I hope this helps him feel better at night.

It's 2 days away from craziness! I'm really excited for the wedding and all that it entails. The actual day is in 3, but Friday is when I do the cake and get to the hotel and go to the rehearsal and set up the cake at night. AAAHH!!! Then it's up at 6:30am and off to do the hair for the bridal party! That will be so fun. I'm just pumped about the whole weekend. I just finished about 4 lists of what I need to do, pack, bring, get at work...etc. The wedding is far enough away that it would be a real pain to forget something, so I hope I'm covering all my bases. Tomorrow I pick up the frozen cakes from Kristin and after work, I'll fill and layer them and let them thaw overnight. Then the fun begins. Not sure if I'll be writing for a couple days then.

Jay is feeling better today. He says I cured him last night..wink, wink...He wanted a little more 'curing' this afternoon. :) He's at the Wild game tonight with Chuck. His mom gave him tickets for Christmas and tonight's the game night. I hope they're having a good time, it's so good for him to be able to get out and hang out with friends. I was glad he could do it, I just hate sitting home all day with the kids.

Well, I have a rather large pile of mismatched pj's on the floor that I need to put together. I've been getting a lot done around the house today so that I don't feel like I'm doing the cake and leaving for the night with a mess at home.

Lighthearted moment of the day.....definately when I looked outside at the boys playing in the backyard on a day that was a first for warm weather. Tony and Tanner had shovels and rather than putting snow into their wheelbarrel, they were shoveling mud from the middle of the yard. The best part was Jay looking out at them and just shaking his head. Not going out and laying into them...just looking at them and realizing that boys are boys are boys....and ours are no different.

I'm so tired

Sooo, I'm going to bed. Maybe if I get a decent night's sleep, I won't feel so lazy tomorrow. Goodnight!

Lighthearted moment of the day....playing Kings in the Corner with Tyler before bed. I love that he's getting to an age where I can enjoy his company and not just be parenting him all the time.

Sorry's just a word

I got a call after lunch today. It was Mindy. When I answered, she said hi...I said hi....then she said...sorry... I busted out laughing. Couldn't help it. It was the way she said it, like it was pure torture to utter. I got her laughing too just listening to me. It was good cuz it broke the ice. I wish I would have thought to give her mom's classic line to the word 'sorry'. Next time. We talked and I apologized too for implying that I might not do Kaylee's hair. Then we talked a bit about Mark. I told her how I really like Mark, which is true...but that I just didn't want her to settle and look back in 10 yrs. and think she made a mistake. I...we just all have to trust her.
Lori came over this morning and we got an addition to the Eclipse website made. It's a page on updos and it features some of my best pics and talks a bit about my experience and training. I really love it, it turned out good. I hope it sparks some more interest. Fingers crossed.....
We went to Dan and Amy's house for dinner tonight. They called last night and invited us which was nice. We were going to have lasagna, but when Dan got home from work and went to put it frozen into the oven...he noticed it took 2 hours. Whoops...we waited for an hour after getting there and it was still frozen in the middle so we ended up getting pizza. LOL That was better. One of the pizzas was made wrong and had mushrooms on it...Dan was NOT happy and called them back to complain. He told the manager that he really wasn't into fungus on his pizza. HAHAHA!! What an ass. ;)
I'm anxious to hear tomorrow if we can get the cake to the hall on Friday. The coordinator wasn't there today. I really pray this works, it would be so much better all around. I can't believe the wedding is in 5 days. What a blast it's going to be.

Lighthearted moment of the day....there were 2 really. First was when Tyler came up to me while I was at the kitchen sink, put his arm around me and said he never wanted to let me go, that he wanted to hug me forever. Wow..almost 11 and still a mush on his mom. I hope that doesnt' ever end.
Second was tonight at Dan's when I expained to Tanner that there was a baby in Amy's tummy. His face was priceless as it fixated on her stomach. I can't imagine what was going through his head.

Happy Easter

The morning started like all other Easters. The boys not allowed to get out of their room until we said so and then waiting at the top of the stairs so I can get the camera ready. It was fun, we still have 2 eggs to find. Found one from last year actually...that was pretty funny. Thank God it wasn't cracked, I think that was the only thing preventing it from smelling to high heaven.
We went to Mike's house after church, it was fun until we started talking about wedding stuff and the itinerary for the day. The more I spoke, the more I realized I would have to pull teeth to get the help I was asking for. Oh well....whatever. I'll figure it out somehow.

Was there a lighthearted moment of the day??.....Okay, so it was pretty darn cute when we all looked over at the kids table and Molly was laying down on it as Tanner had the play dr. stuff and was listening to her heart. He even took the toy mallet for checking reflexes....except he used it on her forehead. LOL

Let's see...

Jay's been sick since yesterday. Okay, so he's got a cold...but I swear, you'd think the world was caving in. What is it about men that make them so bad at being sick?
I took the boys to see Horton Hears A Who today. It was really cute. It was even touching at times...not times that most would recognize though, I'm sure. I just was struck by the phrase used more than a couple times in it. "A person's a person, no matter how small" Yes. Very true.
After getting the boys home, I headed to Target and Walgreens where I spent too much money, once again, on Easter candy. I do this every year. I don't think I got a ton of stuff, but I'm sure when I fill the baskets tomorrow night, I'll be embarrassed at the amount of junk.
When dinner was over, we colored eggs. My favorite thing to do..next to decorating Christmas cookies. But hey, I do it for the boys and that part I enjoy.
I'm tired and it's late, so I'll keep it short tonight.

Lighthearted moment of the day....Trae telling me I was the best mom he's ever had. :)

Baby Mine

Tonight when I got home from work, I went upstairs to say goodnight to the boys. Tanner asked me to sing a song to him in the rocking chair. He does this once in a while and loves when I sing Baby Mine. As tired as I felt and as much as I just wanted to park myself on the couch and watch some TV....I've learned to take advantage of these requests as they will not be around forever. So I rocked him and sang. My little boy. My baby. My gift.

Tony has had a bad time lately with hitting. Whenever the urge 'hits' him, which is often lately, he hauls off and punches the nearest brother. Today it happened a few times before I went to work and then again 4 more times with Jason while I was away. Jay sent him to bed early and had a talk with him when the others went up to bed. I went in Trae's room to say goodnight, I gave the 3 oldest a hug and kiss and noticed Tony laying with his back to me on the bed. I crawled in front of him and layed down.
"how was your night?" I asked
"not good" he whispered
"why not, what did you do?"
"I hit my brothers"
"how many times?"
holding up his fingers "four"
"are you supposed to hurt your brothers"
with his chin starting to quiver and hardly able to talk "no"
"Tony, you can't do that. YOu have to be nice to your brothers. Do you want them to start hitting you back?"
"no...that's what daddy said, that they can hit me back hard"
At this point he's crying such a hurt cry and looks so sad.
"Tony, you know not to hit. Are you a naughty boy?"
"yes"
"no, you're not a naughty boy...you're a nice boy, a good boy"
"no I'm not" sniff...sniff (me)
"yes, you are. You're a nice boy. I don't have naughty boys. You just have to try a little harder, okay. Let's have a better day tomorrow, k?"
"okay" reaches in to hug me.
I love him so much. Boy, that kid can be such a stinker. But he's a good boy. hmm....
Would a good boy shut his baby brother in the van in the garage? After realizing that it had been about 15 minutes since I had seen Tanner and all the other boys were right in front of me, I started asking "where's Tanner" No one knew. "Tanner!"
"Tanner!" No answer....all of a sudden Trae says..I think I hear him in the car. Sure enough, I open the garage door and look out at the van. There he is standing on the other side of the glass, crying. I quickly open the door and he's crying that sort of cry where you know its been going on for a long time. Snot all over his face, cheeks and neck soaked with tears and the heaving breathing that tells me this didn't JUST happen. I start to blame Timmy since he had gone into the van to get something not too long before....and before he could say It wasn't me....Tanner says, between his sniffles "Tony did it" HUH? "Tony, did you lock your brother in the van?" Head hung down...."yah"
Oh my Lord in heaven, what am I going to do with this child. I wonder how long he would have let him sit out there before finally snapping and telling someone what he had done. Thank God it wasn't July...or January for that matter.
I was layed up for a better part of the day with a killer toothache. It's so frustrating because I don't have an end date in sight. If I knew I had an appt. to fix the problem I could bare it, but with not enough funds to do all that needs to be done, I just sit and wait. Because of this, I relied on the boys to be good on their own. I made a deal with Tyler to watch them downstairs for a little bit this afternoon so I could lay down on the couch. I told him I'd give him a couple dollars...which I didn't do yet, come to think about it....he made it about an hour before total meltdown. He came up practically pulling his hair out at the actions of Tony and Trae. Made me sad to think I'm a lot further away from having a live-in babysitter than I had recently thought. LOL Okay, so it was more than that. He's so responsible, but those 2 were taking total advantage of him and got some time in their room for it and some chores around the house. Sometimes I worry that he gets too much put on him as the oldest. He def. plays the part well, sometimes shadowing me as mother (which I've tried to put the cabbash on). He's a good kid though. I love him so much. He's almost as tall as I am...wonder how long before he uses my head as an elbow rest.

I almost forgot! Lori told me yesterday that she has been invited to a Q&A evening and a training session with Nathaniel Hawkins, the stylist on Project Runway. She is allowed to take one guest and guesss who she chose? ME! I'm so stoked! This will be not only great training, but a super marketing tool when getting clients. I think it is a primarily updo/wedding training. This will be AWESOME!

Lighthearted moment of the day.....When I finished singing Baby Mine to Tanner, he requested I sing the Superman song. Not knowing that particular tune, I asked him if he'd settle for Proud to be an American...he did.

Cabin Getaway

The past couple nights the boys and I were up north at Sharon's cabin with her, Becky and the girls. It was actually a lot of fun. The kids were amazingly great....all 10 of them! There were some crazy moments but it's when those times aren't happening that I begin to worry. We got to go to the library this morning for story time and watch Sharon dressed as Peter Rabbit act out the story. She was hilarious and the kids really enjoyed it.....well, Tyler made sure to tell us how torturous it was to be there with all those kids and be expected to listen to the story and sing songs. All the while watching intently and laughing along with the rest of us. That's okay, I understand he has a reputation to uphold in front of a room full of toddlers.
Trae did really well the whole time. No crying at night, no emotional meltdowns, no overreacting........until the drive home. He lasted 5 minutes and then began to cry because he missed the girls and didn't stop until Elk River. He stopped for about 15 minutes and then kept going until we got home, complete with stomach ache, headache, and pulling his hair. What is it about "home" that does this? I just don't know.
I believe Timmy and Trae were vying for Lily's attention the whole time. It was pretty cute actually. SHe's so sweet and they both practically followed her around. Timmy saved her a seat next to him at almost every meal. Could this be the start of a 20 yr. courtship. HA! Just kidding, I won't marry them off just yet. But dang, can I even think of better in-laws? No way.
Tony wants a baby in our home, I just know it. It could be because he came right out and asked not too long ago....or it probably because to watch him with Alison was so sweet. He just watched her and touched her head. He kept leaning in to hug her and when she would cry he'd get this look like "I didn't do anything to her" I think he was in awe of her. I can't wait to see him with baby Adam.
Other than the fact that I didn't stop eating for 3 days.....I had a great time. We played cards and games when the kids were quiet or outside and when they went to bed and I love to do that, so this was a good trip. Sharon mentioned to the boys that we'll do it again this summer.....I really hope that is true, cuz I'd be there in a heartbeat.

Lighthearted moment of the day....Tonight for no reason, Tanner came up to me and put his arms around me and said "Mom, you're my superhero, you're my superhero"

Go downstairs

Today I baked 16...scratch that...17 cakes for Pat and Lindsey's wedding. One fell apart as I tried to flip it. Of course it had to be one of the 14 inch ones. That, along with a few minor set backs had me at Mike's from 11-5:30 today. I'm glad that's done. Now for the fun part of decorating. Less than 2 weeks away.

As the afternoon wore on and I was cleaning my kitchen mess waiting for the last of the cakes to finish, I noticed an amazing scene. Alex was upset that Tony, who I'd brought with me, wouldn't play catch with him. Instead of Mike telling him to find something else to do or go downstairs, he got up and played catch with him himself. This, of course, brought Tony to his feet to join in. So there they all were, Alex, Tony, and Sam playing catch in the living room with Mike. At the same time Molly, who had spent the past 20 minutes climbing all over a patient Kristin while she tried to read the Sunday ads, was now comfortably sitting on her mom's knee as she went over the details of a Disney World book page by page. I literally just stood there leaning on the stove for a while....watching....thinking..... What would the reactions have been at my home to the same situations.
"Tony doesn't want to play catch with me"
"Well, you shouldn't be playing catch in the house anyway"
"Can we go outside and play"
"Not now" Of course, this is because I'm too lazy to get up and have to bundle up Tanner and Tony
"Well, what should I do?"
"Go downstairs"

sigh........

Go downstairs. A mantra at our home. When the boys are grown and talking about the memories of their childhood and what they remember best, will THIS be the thing that comes to mind. Go downstairs. I'm beginning to wonder what the true appeal of our house was almost 4 yrs. ago. What it the large garage? The great backyard? Was it the nice location? Or was it the fact that we can live in a house with our children and not even know they are here.

sigh.....

I think I live my life as a mom thinking that just the mere fact that I'm HERE, I've done my job....I'm home when they get off the bus, I kiss them goodbye in the morning, I'm cheering at all the wrestling matches and spending nearly every weekday of the summer at the ball field. Good, right? Yah. But what about the small stuff. The stuff that happens in the moments they need you most. Am I there? Or am I distracted....tired...impatient..... I shutter at the thought that I've made them feel like a burden on a regular basis.

sigh......
insert feelings of shame and regret here.....

Sleeping with my bodygaurd

Jay's on his way home courtesy of Lindsey from Pat's bachelor party. I told him to just crash at Dan's cuz they were drinking and playing poker, but he sleeps better at home with his sleep machine. Hm...I was sort of looking forward to a night alone in the bed with no one kicking me and no sounds of the c-pap. Oh well, maybe it's best...I did just watch an episode of NCIS about a serial killer that would have made me a bit freaked out tonight. Having a big, strong, drunk, passed out former Marine with a nose piece that makes him look like a scuba diver on welfare will make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Work was incredibly busy today. My feet are killing me. I colored/cut mom and Amy's hair tonight too. Everyone wants their hair done now within the next two weeks before the wedding. I wonder when I'll be able to get mine done? Do you think doctors ever get physicals?
Tyler was in the varsity tournament at Grace today. He lost his matches, but he was outmatched with the other boys that were older and had more experience. It's good practice for him. This season is done, no more wrestling until fall.....on a team at least. I can't speak for the times the boys decide the living room is the perfect place to verse their brother. I think we should buy a mat, put it in the downstairs and then whenever they start crap with eachother, I can tell them to take it to the mat.


Lighthearted moment of the day......Tanner, who is totally potty trained now YAY, went 'poo-poos' today and when he finished and hopped down, he looked in the toilet and said, "mommy, look, a banana"

A Long day

Oh man, I'm so tired. I almost didn't write, but decided to take a few minutes to recap the day.
I got up at 6:30 to get the boys ready for school and on the bus. Then before getting ready for work, I actually cooked the bird. Got it all ready and in the oven to roast while I was away.
Work was really busy, I had 2 new clients along with one regular and both went really well. They both rebooked for their next appt. so that's good. Everyone is really liking the parrafin dips I've recently added to my services.
By the time I got to mom's to pick up the boys and got home..the older ones were just getting off the bus. The house smelled wonderful when we walked in from the turkey. I managed to get a few things done around the house just in time to get everyone together and on the road to go to the boys' JV individual wrestling tournament. At least this time we got there early and had no direction problems. The boys were great with Timmy winning both of his matches, one by points and one by pin earning him 1st place in his weight class. Tyler lost his first and won his second earning him a 3rd place finish. His first one was rough on him. He was not happy and Jay and I both talked to him about shaking it off and getting his head ready for the next match. We knew he had to win this next match in order to qualify for tomorrow's Varsity tournament. Well, he got pissed and he got strong. Pinned his apponent in the first 1 minute. He was stoked. Although he was disappointed that he only got 3rd place, he's anxious to finish out the season strong tomorrow.
We got home after 9pm, stopped by McDonalds for dinner since everyone was starving. I am so ready to go to bed, but just remembered that I promised a pan of bars for tomorrow. UGH!

Lighthearted moment of the day......I bought the boys a brownie at the consession stand during the tournament. After he finished his, Tony came up to me and said "mom, I want another hash brownie". :)

The damn turkey

Okay, so just because I've let a 20 lb turkey sit out in the garage for the past 5 days doesn't mean that I'm just ignoring it. Does it? hmm....maybe.
The outside freezer broke, or so we thought, and so what better replacement than a cold winter night in Minne-so-cold. The thought was a good one, until today when the temp reached a forgotten 50 degrees. If Jason asks me about that damn bird one more time and tells me how 'warm' it's been out there in the garage, I'm gonna scream. I'd make it tomorrow but it's a no meat day. I suppose I could make it and we could just eat it all weekend. We'll see. My whole day is already mapped out with work, wrestling and life....a turkey doesn't easily fit into my equation.
Timmy was embarrassed today at school when he started crying during a film about Jesus on the cross. This is an image that he does not do well with. The mere thought of it bothers him and the slightest glance in the direction of the DVD "The Passion" makes him nuts. His teacher felt bad, not knowing his feelings about it. I know he'll get past this eventually, but for now, he prefers Spongebob and Drake and Josh.
Trae's blankie cure lasted only one night. Tonight, total meltdown again. Sigh......
I tried for 20minutes to talk to him and make him feel safe and calm only to have him start up as soon as my foot was out his door. I'm not good at being his therapist AND his mother. Think I'll stick to the one I know best. Not sure where to go from here.

Lighthearted moment of the day....Timmy walked in the door from school looking upset about something. Before he could tell me what had happened, Trae went up to him and gave him a hug. Timmy...a hug...from Trae...Wow. I nearly cried.

On the road again

Tonight we had a wrestling match out in Eagan. After getting the wrong directions on mapquest and going to the wrong school, then getting the wrong directions from 3 strangers at gas stations, we finally got to the the school an hour late, 30 minutes after the match was to begin. To top it off, Timmy didn't even get to wrestle since he's JV and Tyler didnt' get to wrestle the first meet...only the second and that lasted a whole 30 seconds. Was it worth it? The frustration, the yelling, the embarrassment, the gas money, the TIME? Sure, why not. Tyler lost and lost quickly, but we were there with him and for that I'm proud.

Went to the dr. today with Trae. Trae...sigh....our drama queen. He is so endearing and so silly and so afraid and so tightly wound all at once. It's the latter 2 traits that have us worried lately. His nightly anxiety and fear have become something we're at a loss as to how to handle. His personality has, I feel, manifested itself in the form of headaches. He makes me constantly recall the story of the boy who cried wolf because I have to continuously filter out what it real and what is Trae being Trae. I got this bad stomach feeling last night after Jason called me at work to tell me he was curled up in a ball and vomiting from his headache. I started to wonder if we'd waited all this time, a couple months for sure, chalking this up to an emotional response only to find that there really was something wrong. By the time the dr. asked a ton of questions and checked him over thoroughly I got the impression she wasn't worried about a nuerological problem. We are supposed to watch and document his headaches and reactions to them for a month to see if we can pinpoint exactly what the cause is.
Tonight as I tucked him in to bed and within seconds saw him getting upset and starting to go into his scared behavior, something hit me like a ton of bricks. It occurred to me that this never happened until he "lost" his blankie. I found it days later and put it up in our closet thinking it would be a good time to just let the habit go aside. Did we take away such a strong security for him that it created this fearful, anxious child I see before me now? Would giving it back to him be the cure for all of this? I wonder. The thought was to get him to stop having it so he would stop sucking his thumb, but again....a security gone leaving only INsecurity. I suddenly felt stupid and cruel that an overbite from thumbsucking had taken presidence over his emotional well being. I wasted no time in getting it from the closet and to say his face lit up is an understatement. He turned back towards his bed, climbed in with his long lost friend bunched up under his chin and had a smile on his face for the first time at night in a long time. Lord, please let it be this simple. Let this be the start of some stability for him and healing.

Lighthearted moment of the day....today at lunch my mom told Tony and Tanner they had to eat as many bites as their age. "Tanner, you have to eat 3 bites...and Tony, how old are you?" holding up a finger he matter of factly said "one".

Where do I begin

Here, I guess. How many time have I wanted to do something like this. A journal, so to speak. A place to gather my thoughts. A place to tell my stories. A place to hold on to memories. Even now, posting my first entry...I wonder if I'll keep up with it. Will I let it go for days...weeks...or even months. Help me Lord, because I know this will be a cherished 'memoir' for years to come if I just get myself to stick with it.
Welcome.