Go downstairs

Today I baked 16...scratch that...17 cakes for Pat and Lindsey's wedding. One fell apart as I tried to flip it. Of course it had to be one of the 14 inch ones. That, along with a few minor set backs had me at Mike's from 11-5:30 today. I'm glad that's done. Now for the fun part of decorating. Less than 2 weeks away.

As the afternoon wore on and I was cleaning my kitchen mess waiting for the last of the cakes to finish, I noticed an amazing scene. Alex was upset that Tony, who I'd brought with me, wouldn't play catch with him. Instead of Mike telling him to find something else to do or go downstairs, he got up and played catch with him himself. This, of course, brought Tony to his feet to join in. So there they all were, Alex, Tony, and Sam playing catch in the living room with Mike. At the same time Molly, who had spent the past 20 minutes climbing all over a patient Kristin while she tried to read the Sunday ads, was now comfortably sitting on her mom's knee as she went over the details of a Disney World book page by page. I literally just stood there leaning on the stove for a while....watching....thinking..... What would the reactions have been at my home to the same situations.
"Tony doesn't want to play catch with me"
"Well, you shouldn't be playing catch in the house anyway"
"Can we go outside and play"
"Not now" Of course, this is because I'm too lazy to get up and have to bundle up Tanner and Tony
"Well, what should I do?"
"Go downstairs"

sigh........

Go downstairs. A mantra at our home. When the boys are grown and talking about the memories of their childhood and what they remember best, will THIS be the thing that comes to mind. Go downstairs. I'm beginning to wonder what the true appeal of our house was almost 4 yrs. ago. What it the large garage? The great backyard? Was it the nice location? Or was it the fact that we can live in a house with our children and not even know they are here.

sigh.....

I think I live my life as a mom thinking that just the mere fact that I'm HERE, I've done my job....I'm home when they get off the bus, I kiss them goodbye in the morning, I'm cheering at all the wrestling matches and spending nearly every weekday of the summer at the ball field. Good, right? Yah. But what about the small stuff. The stuff that happens in the moments they need you most. Am I there? Or am I distracted....tired...impatient..... I shutter at the thought that I've made them feel like a burden on a regular basis.

sigh......
insert feelings of shame and regret here.....

Sleeping with my bodygaurd

Jay's on his way home courtesy of Lindsey from Pat's bachelor party. I told him to just crash at Dan's cuz they were drinking and playing poker, but he sleeps better at home with his sleep machine. Hm...I was sort of looking forward to a night alone in the bed with no one kicking me and no sounds of the c-pap. Oh well, maybe it's best...I did just watch an episode of NCIS about a serial killer that would have made me a bit freaked out tonight. Having a big, strong, drunk, passed out former Marine with a nose piece that makes him look like a scuba diver on welfare will make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Work was incredibly busy today. My feet are killing me. I colored/cut mom and Amy's hair tonight too. Everyone wants their hair done now within the next two weeks before the wedding. I wonder when I'll be able to get mine done? Do you think doctors ever get physicals?
Tyler was in the varsity tournament at Grace today. He lost his matches, but he was outmatched with the other boys that were older and had more experience. It's good practice for him. This season is done, no more wrestling until fall.....on a team at least. I can't speak for the times the boys decide the living room is the perfect place to verse their brother. I think we should buy a mat, put it in the downstairs and then whenever they start crap with eachother, I can tell them to take it to the mat.


Lighthearted moment of the day......Tanner, who is totally potty trained now YAY, went 'poo-poos' today and when he finished and hopped down, he looked in the toilet and said, "mommy, look, a banana"

A Long day

Oh man, I'm so tired. I almost didn't write, but decided to take a few minutes to recap the day.
I got up at 6:30 to get the boys ready for school and on the bus. Then before getting ready for work, I actually cooked the bird. Got it all ready and in the oven to roast while I was away.
Work was really busy, I had 2 new clients along with one regular and both went really well. They both rebooked for their next appt. so that's good. Everyone is really liking the parrafin dips I've recently added to my services.
By the time I got to mom's to pick up the boys and got home..the older ones were just getting off the bus. The house smelled wonderful when we walked in from the turkey. I managed to get a few things done around the house just in time to get everyone together and on the road to go to the boys' JV individual wrestling tournament. At least this time we got there early and had no direction problems. The boys were great with Timmy winning both of his matches, one by points and one by pin earning him 1st place in his weight class. Tyler lost his first and won his second earning him a 3rd place finish. His first one was rough on him. He was not happy and Jay and I both talked to him about shaking it off and getting his head ready for the next match. We knew he had to win this next match in order to qualify for tomorrow's Varsity tournament. Well, he got pissed and he got strong. Pinned his apponent in the first 1 minute. He was stoked. Although he was disappointed that he only got 3rd place, he's anxious to finish out the season strong tomorrow.
We got home after 9pm, stopped by McDonalds for dinner since everyone was starving. I am so ready to go to bed, but just remembered that I promised a pan of bars for tomorrow. UGH!

Lighthearted moment of the day......I bought the boys a brownie at the consession stand during the tournament. After he finished his, Tony came up to me and said "mom, I want another hash brownie". :)

The damn turkey

Okay, so just because I've let a 20 lb turkey sit out in the garage for the past 5 days doesn't mean that I'm just ignoring it. Does it? hmm....maybe.
The outside freezer broke, or so we thought, and so what better replacement than a cold winter night in Minne-so-cold. The thought was a good one, until today when the temp reached a forgotten 50 degrees. If Jason asks me about that damn bird one more time and tells me how 'warm' it's been out there in the garage, I'm gonna scream. I'd make it tomorrow but it's a no meat day. I suppose I could make it and we could just eat it all weekend. We'll see. My whole day is already mapped out with work, wrestling and life....a turkey doesn't easily fit into my equation.
Timmy was embarrassed today at school when he started crying during a film about Jesus on the cross. This is an image that he does not do well with. The mere thought of it bothers him and the slightest glance in the direction of the DVD "The Passion" makes him nuts. His teacher felt bad, not knowing his feelings about it. I know he'll get past this eventually, but for now, he prefers Spongebob and Drake and Josh.
Trae's blankie cure lasted only one night. Tonight, total meltdown again. Sigh......
I tried for 20minutes to talk to him and make him feel safe and calm only to have him start up as soon as my foot was out his door. I'm not good at being his therapist AND his mother. Think I'll stick to the one I know best. Not sure where to go from here.

Lighthearted moment of the day....Timmy walked in the door from school looking upset about something. Before he could tell me what had happened, Trae went up to him and gave him a hug. Timmy...a hug...from Trae...Wow. I nearly cried.

On the road again

Tonight we had a wrestling match out in Eagan. After getting the wrong directions on mapquest and going to the wrong school, then getting the wrong directions from 3 strangers at gas stations, we finally got to the the school an hour late, 30 minutes after the match was to begin. To top it off, Timmy didn't even get to wrestle since he's JV and Tyler didnt' get to wrestle the first meet...only the second and that lasted a whole 30 seconds. Was it worth it? The frustration, the yelling, the embarrassment, the gas money, the TIME? Sure, why not. Tyler lost and lost quickly, but we were there with him and for that I'm proud.

Went to the dr. today with Trae. Trae...sigh....our drama queen. He is so endearing and so silly and so afraid and so tightly wound all at once. It's the latter 2 traits that have us worried lately. His nightly anxiety and fear have become something we're at a loss as to how to handle. His personality has, I feel, manifested itself in the form of headaches. He makes me constantly recall the story of the boy who cried wolf because I have to continuously filter out what it real and what is Trae being Trae. I got this bad stomach feeling last night after Jason called me at work to tell me he was curled up in a ball and vomiting from his headache. I started to wonder if we'd waited all this time, a couple months for sure, chalking this up to an emotional response only to find that there really was something wrong. By the time the dr. asked a ton of questions and checked him over thoroughly I got the impression she wasn't worried about a nuerological problem. We are supposed to watch and document his headaches and reactions to them for a month to see if we can pinpoint exactly what the cause is.
Tonight as I tucked him in to bed and within seconds saw him getting upset and starting to go into his scared behavior, something hit me like a ton of bricks. It occurred to me that this never happened until he "lost" his blankie. I found it days later and put it up in our closet thinking it would be a good time to just let the habit go aside. Did we take away such a strong security for him that it created this fearful, anxious child I see before me now? Would giving it back to him be the cure for all of this? I wonder. The thought was to get him to stop having it so he would stop sucking his thumb, but again....a security gone leaving only INsecurity. I suddenly felt stupid and cruel that an overbite from thumbsucking had taken presidence over his emotional well being. I wasted no time in getting it from the closet and to say his face lit up is an understatement. He turned back towards his bed, climbed in with his long lost friend bunched up under his chin and had a smile on his face for the first time at night in a long time. Lord, please let it be this simple. Let this be the start of some stability for him and healing.

Lighthearted moment of the day....today at lunch my mom told Tony and Tanner they had to eat as many bites as their age. "Tanner, you have to eat 3 bites...and Tony, how old are you?" holding up a finger he matter of factly said "one".

Where do I begin

Here, I guess. How many time have I wanted to do something like this. A journal, so to speak. A place to gather my thoughts. A place to tell my stories. A place to hold on to memories. Even now, posting my first entry...I wonder if I'll keep up with it. Will I let it go for days...weeks...or even months. Help me Lord, because I know this will be a cherished 'memoir' for years to come if I just get myself to stick with it.
Welcome.